


Illusions

by StarTravel



Series: Defiance Through Tenderness [17]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Attempted Seduction, Awkward Flirting, Denial of Feelings, Introspection, Mild Angst, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-10-02 04:45:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17257811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarTravel/pseuds/StarTravel
Summary: Garak tries to remind himself what’s right for Cardassia and for Julian, but it’s difficult when Julian keeps crawling all over him.





	Illusions

Garak watches as Julian flops over, pressing one hand under his chin, long fingers fanning out to brush along the scales on his wrist. He somehow seems exhausted and refreshed all at once, the stiffness that made his frame so brittle gone with the revelation of why he’s been so upset the past few weeks. There’s still a lingering sadness there that Garak fears will last the entirety of the war and who knows how long after, a kind of maturity that can only be won through suffering.

 But he is himself again, the cloud of forced apathy and imaginary disillusionment dissipating. Underneath is the same Julian he sat down with five years ago, optimistic and enthusiastic and argumentative. And worryingly, focusing all of those things once again on his infatuation with Garak.

 It’s not that Garak doesn’t appreciate the attention; he is the one who's been trying to force his way back into Julian’s life. But he thought it would come little by little or be a mere trickle of light in the twilight of the Defiant. Garak has given Julian all he can afford to, the rest of him belonging to Cardassia. He won’t take things from Julian he’s not willing to give himself. He can do them both that much kindness. “You could join us in the Battle of Britain, you know.”

 “Why would I ever want to do that?” Garak blinks owlishly at the non sequitur, wondering idly if it’s a side effect of that truth serum Julian drank by _accident a_ mere day ago. By Julian’s own calculations, it should be worn off by now, but those numbers could be wrong. Or maybe they can’t. Garak’s never fully understood the full extent of Julian’s brilliance. He doubts Julian knows either.

 “You’d have fun, you get to die for your country and everything.” Julian answers with a low tut in the back of his throat, spreading out more across the bed almost like a Cardassian Scuttlefish. Julian slides his hand down the scales along his neck, shifting his body so it’s half on Garak and half on the bed.

 Garak swallows tightly, wondering when he started letting Julian use him as a pillow with such ease. Somewhere between that first week on the Defiant and yesterday when he gave him a massage. So many of his carefully constructed walls have started to crack where it concerns Julian.  

 But then, Julian’s always been something of an exception, fascinating and infuriating where other humans were boring but steady, kind when it wasn’t called for.

 Still. Garak shouldn’t let Julian sit on him like this or run his own hand along his lower back. For Julian it means promises Garak has no intention of keeping, can’t keep even if he wanted to, and Julian knows that. Still his eyes fill with an affection Garak cannot share. He cares about Julian and his role more than he ever intended to, that’s not a question. Garak wouldn’t have given Julian so much of his time and energy to him otherwise.

 But now that Julian’s recovering, Garak has other things he needs to fix, other intrigues and duties that must take precedence over a dalliance with a Starfleet Officer. This will have to end when - if - they get back to Deep Space 9 and Garak’s not sure how far to let things go until that time comes.

 For now Garak snorts softly and spreads an arm across Julian’s broad but bony shoulders, thumb pressing down against his shoulder blade. Garak tilts his head to the right so he can half look Julian in the eye, eye ridges shifting together carefully. “I thought the whole purpose of your and Chief O’Brien’s little game was to change that fate.”

 “That’s in the Alamo.” Julian corrects him in a chiding tone, twisting around and tossing his right leg over Garak’s thigh. It’s a clear provocation, and if they were on Cardassia, Garak would take it as a sign and ravished Julian. But they’re not on Cardassia and Julian is a federation human. Garak merely watches with a bland expression as Julian brings his left leg up over him as well, head lulling forward so it almost rests against his shoulder. If Julian moves just a few inches, he’ll be sitting in Garak’s _lap._

 “And you didn’t offer that one because?” Garak answers dryly, one eye ridge raised in a careful question. Julian swallows and looks away, not quite able to meet his gaze. Garak feels his body tense and wonders if Julian is remembering he’s a risk now. The soft words and comforting touches of the past few weeks can’t hide the truth of what Garak is from Julian forever. He’s left over that before. There’s no reason to think he won’t again now that he’s come back to his senses. Garak smirks with no mirth behind it, words coming out coated in bitterness. “Was it that terrible aiming a gun at me?”

 “Yes.” Julian answers with a surprising steadiness, meeting Garak’s gaze with a firm one of his own. Julian moves forward then, legs bending slightly so he can fit more easily against Garak. Garak lets out a low exhale and resists both the urge to pull Julian against his chest and to push him off the bed. Julian’s expression shifts suddenly, the firmness sliding into something more mocking. “The Alamo is just for me and Miles.”

 “How adorable.” Garak can’t stop the teasing warmth in his voice or the quick shake of his head, a few strands of hair coming loose from the side braid Julian styled it in this morning. Julian sighs and brushes a hand over his own curls, slowly growing out again and flopping over his forehead without the product he normally uses on it. Garak can’t quite help smiling, just a slight pull at the edge of his lips. “We could finally explore that version of the Enigma Tales I gave you almost three years ago.”

 “I did when I got back from Ajion Prime.” Julian winces a bit as he speaks, gaze dropping to his lap. Garak follows his eyes to find Julian wringing his hands, up and down, just above where their legs are tangled forever. He wants to be annoyed with Julian, given that he refused to use that holoprogram for months after Garak gave it to him, and then apparently used it mere _days_ after he started avoiding him.

 But the mental image of Julian trying to make his way through the program alone, without guidance to help his Federation optimism through the various analyses, his frustration as he likely tried to prove each and every Cardassian innocent before he even knew their crimes, makes Garak chuckle low in his chest.

 That and the idea that Julian sought something that reminded him of Garak as comfort after his travails on Ajion Prime - well Garak’s not going to think about how that makes him feel. Not right now. “I see.”

 Julia wilts a little at his words, shoulder slumping so they bump against the edge of his right arm. Julian folds in on himself in a position that Garak imaginea must be painful for a human before he stretches back out, body resembling that earth toy he’s watched Julian inexplicably push down staircases before. Julian grins at him brightly, body practically radiating excitement. “But really, what we need is a fresh start! I’ll have Felix make us our own holoprogram.”

 “Felix?” Garak asks as he raises an eye ridge, because the only Felix he’s heard Julian mention is the man he used to give decadent massages. Garak knows enough about Federation romantic norms to know that is an activity usually shared by _friends._

 “Oh yes, he makes nearly all of my holoprograms.” Julian tells him with a wave of the hand not on his shoulder, before he moves it down in front of him. His gaze is far away, likely imagining all of the different, terrible federation adventure tales he’s going to force Garak to play once they get back to deep space 9. As though Garak would ever allow that to happen.

 Sadly Garak can’t help but be focused on the here and now, the name Felix still dangling in the air between them like a question mark. Still?”

 “I could probably learn how to do it myself, but I always feel like that would take some of the fun out of it.” Julian answers with a rueful laugh, flushing slightly as he spreads his hands out against his thigh. Garak stares at him blankly for a moment before he remembers that it’s only in the past few months that everyone else learned what Garak’s long suspected. Of course he thought this was about his unnaturally delightful genius.

 “Of course.” Garak smiles placidly at him, face going still as he pulls Julian forward so he’s more in his lap than on the bed. His voice is just a sliver too pleasant not to be telling when he speaks. “I just thought things might be awkward between the two of you, now that the massages have stopped.”

 Julian rolls his eyes even as a slight tremor runs through him. Garak wonders idly why Julian’s so excited by Garak’s questions. Julian looks up at him and lets out a small sigh,one arm spreading out as though to block himself from Garak’s words. “They didn’t end on a bad note. I was assigned here and he went back to Trill, and sadly neither of us can teleport.”

 “A trill? So your infatuation there didn’t start with Commander Dax?” Garak can’t quite hide the curiosity or the slight huffiness of his own voice, his nails dragging across Julian’s arm lightly. Garak wonders if that means he’s a replacement as well, a pale imitation of some Cardassian Julian spent a summer with and over romanticized in his head the same way he has with him in the past.

 “Oh, Jadzia and Felix are _nothing_ alike. He doesn’t have a symbiont for one thing.” Julian assures him with a wide grin, whatever trembling was there gone and replaced with a playful gaze and darting hands. Julian’s runs his thumb along the side of one of Garak’s neck ridge idly and without meeting his eyes, voice full of glee and wistfulness. “And he was always so secretive.”

 “Secretive?” Garak asks in a careful voice, adding in just enough of an inflection that someone could mistake him for jealous if they wanted to make that particular leap. It seems entirely _too_ coincidental that Julian would use that word. Especially when they both know his mystique is one of the things that initially drew Julian to him, that makes Julian look at Garak like he’s something important and precious.

 And talking up a former partner is a common, almost cliche, seduction technique in over half the Cardassian novels he’s given Julian to read.

 “Oh yes, I could never guess what he was thinking or feeling, no matter how many hours I spent studying the planes of his body.” Julian answers as he leans back so a bit more of his body presses against Garak’s chest, the hand idly running up and down his neck suddenly stopping as though waiting to be grabbed. If they were in a romance novel, Garak would pull him into a kiss now, make it clear his mind should be nowhere but in this room.

 But they’re not so he resists the urge. Barely.

 “Julian.” Garak’s voice manages to be amused and a warning at the same time as he carefully unwinds his arm from where it rests still on Julian’s lower back. Garak expects Julian to crash either on the sheets behind him or face first into Garak’s chest, but he doesn’t lose his balance at all. Instead he brings his free hand up to run across his mouth. “Is there a reason you’re telling me about your ex-lover?”

“Maybe I would have gotten there, if I’d just had a few more weeks.” Julian carries on as though Garak hasn’t said anything, making another wistful sound deep in the back of his throat. It’s all nervous artifice now, even if there’s some truth buried in it, and Garak knows how to handle lies better than Julian. Garak smiles placidly at him, eye ridges sloping to the side as he puts on a mask of perfect indifference.

 Julian sighs, shoulders slumping as he suddenly slides off of Garak’s lap and onto the sheets again. Garak wonders, not for the first time, how Julian sees this game so differently than he does. “It stopped working when you figured out I was trying to make you jealous, didn’t it?”

 “My dear, that assumes I ever felt jealous.” Garak answers with a hint of laughter that’s not nearly as dismissive as it should be. He turns his gaze away from Julian and toward the white walls of their room. Garak reaches a hand out and rests it between them on the bed. He’s not surprised when he feels Julian’s own tentatively rest on top of it.

 Garak sneaks a glance at the doctor, sees the way Julian’s eyes flash and the flush of embarrassment on his cheeks, the way his slender, barely clothed limbs spread out on the bed. Julian is beautiful like this, skin warmed by the Risa sun and want. Garak swallows a little and closes his eyes again. He has done many cruel things, but breaking Julian Bashir’s heart will not be one of them.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know if you think anything else needs to be tagged!
> 
> Questions? Comments? :D


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